Get out the Kleenexes

I have sat down about three or four times this week to post but this is the first time I've gotten anything down. It could be because I didn't know how to word my feelings, or because I was so full of feelings that I couldn't start without crying. Well, this time I cried, talked a little with my husband, then decided to come back. So, we'll see how far I get.
Last Monday, my Grandpa went Home. So, what do I say about that? I'm sad that I don't have him here with me anymore. I'm sad that my grandma lost the man she loved since 4th grade. I'm sad to watch my dad hurt. I have never lost anyone I was close to before and I'm not sure how to react. I feel like whenever I lose control and start to cry, or when people pray for me or try to comfort me, that I'm making it about myself. I am so selfish. But, I want to honor him by mourning him. How does one mourn selflessly?
For quite a while now, my good friend, second mother and fellow artist has been battling cancer. She is now in hospice care at home. I have always loved Heidi, but I really came to respect her when she started giving Ben and I pre-marital counseling with Mike. Their marriage is such a great example of how God meant it to be. It amazes me how she, as a strong personality, supports and loves her husband as his helper. So, my feelings on Heidi: I want to rejoice that she is still here and in such great spirits, but I am so scared of losing her, even though I've been waiting for it for months. I feel guilty that I think I'm closer to her than I was to my grandpa. I feel so unworthy of the craft box, which she has already passed on to me. I'm scared to go to her house and not see her strong, loud personality or hear her one-of-a-kind laugh.
I wonder if I have any reason at all to cry. Grandpa is in Heaven, taking care of the children, including his own babies whom he lost, and praising Jesus. Heidi is so blessed with friends, family and medical staff who love her and happily take care of her. I have a friend, whose name is ironically Heidi, who recently did a paper on spirituality with people at the end of their lives. She said that a large percentage of those people surveyed said that, after seeing someone (stranger or loved one) smile, nothing could make their day bad. Just one smile could brighten their day. I think about my grandpa who smiled at, loved and kissed the hands of all the people who visited him, and of Heidi, who has so many visitors some must be turned away and so much food coming in she has to bring people over to eat it. These two people have it pretty good. They are so loved, so blessed. And here I sit, crying, grieving, wondering if I should even grieve at all.
I'm still having trouble figuring out how to say what's going on in me, but I guess that was good for a fourth try.